Watching Mika and Beth Ditto duet made me feel physically sick. That’s not a metaphor. Even more when the fact that Gossip aren’t nominated for anything.

Yes, the Brit Awards are on TV again. The annual music biz are-around that is the Brits has once again upon us. And there the Osbournes are making all manner of bollocks. Is Sharon Osbourne drunk? High? God, I almost feel sorry for Jack Osbourne – at least he’s got the decency to be embarrassed. As the show went on, Ozzy started rambling even more like he has Parkinson’s than ever, and Sharon’s demented drunken control-freakery hit a high point when she started berating Vic Reeves for being a pisshead. Oh, the irony.

It was the usual parade of charisma-free tools wheeled on to present awards too. Special mention has to go to Chris Moyles – a man about as funny as watching a tramp beat up your mum, and Will Young, who couldn’t have sounded less enthused about Adele than if she had turned up in a frock made out of weasel colons.

Oh God, Fearne Cotton, who’ve they’ve managed to keep out of site round the back where she can “interview” the winners, she can just fuck off. I’m not going to censor that. The woman needs to be shot out of a cannon into a treacherous iceflow infested with rapid polar bears. I’ve just checked my thesaurus, and there aren’t enough synonyms created in the entire of human thought to describe how much of a cretin she is.

Her and that truckload of Brit School idiots cheering down at the front. Because with that cavalcade of blandness their “success roster” reads (The Feeling, The Kooks, Adele, Kate Nash, Katie Melua...), it’ apt for them to make idiotic noises without an kind of thought or feeling behind them. Napalm the pace now, while pop music still has a chance.

As far as the performances on he night were concerned, they might as well have not bothered, and got the whole sorry charade of a show out the way in 45 minutes. As well as he gaudy nightmare that was Mika/Ditto, Klaxons and Rihanna played a mash-up of ‘Umbrella and ‘Golden Skans’. Not that you’d have realised; both contributors played in such a way that they could’ve just used a backing track of the other. What was that Mighty Boosh joke about nu-rave? Taking the old and new, mix them together and make something worse than both? I don’t know who looked like they liked being up there less.